


In the Cupboard Under the Microwave

by SherlockianDinosaur



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Word Games, fun with martin crieff, who doesn't like to wind up Martin Creiff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:22:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockianDinosaur/pseuds/SherlockianDinosaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This week -- Glasgow!</p><p>Martin gets wound up, Douglas makes fun of him, Arthur eats cheese and Carolyn might get a ticket.</p><p>It's all dialogue, basically just my attempt to write an episode style Cabin Pressure with a few laughs and a proper plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Cupboard Under the Microwave

**Author's Note:**

> I think this would run about 9-10 minutes if it were read through properly, so it's kind of a mini episode but have fun I hope you like it :P

Martin: I already lost, can you just stop?

Douglas: Doesn’t seem likely.

Martin: I don’t know why I even play these stupid games with you, you cheat every time.

Douglas: Every time? From time to time I like to think you’re just that bad.

Martin: I just got confused because you kept talking! How am I supposed to know what letter I’m supposed to use to start  _my_  sentence if you keep going?

Douglas: Good point except I don’t think ‘W’ comes after ‘A,’ ‘B,’ or ‘C.’

Martin: I could win if you’d give me another chance.

Douglas: Have a go at it, then.

Martin: … I will. … Just to prove I  _can_  win.

Douglas: Kill me if you do.

Martin: ...Lucky I need you for landing procedure.

Douglas: Martin, you are certainly able enough not to need me. Not that it matters.

Martin: Do you really think so?  _Damn!_

Douglas: Oops.

 

\-- Cabin Pressure, created by John Finnemore (and poorly renditioned by me). Starring ‘Carolyn:’ as Carolyn, ‘Douglas:’ as Douglas, ‘Martin:’ as Martin and ‘Arthur:’ as Arthur. This week: Glasgow! --

 

Martin: Alpha Quebec Echo, this is Golf Tango India requesting maximum landing priority due to fuel levels, do you read?

{Fuel levels again? Alright, go on then, I’ll make a circuit.}

Martin: Could you please do it to code, if something happens and the message hasn’t been technically received on either end-

{Oh my God is that Martin Crieff?}

Douglas: Unfortunately, yes.

Martin: Shut up. Would you just please give me the receipt of message so we can land without-

{Jesus, you actually got a job. Did your captain die? Who the bloody hell let you in charge of communications?}

Martin: I  _am_  the captain-

{ _You?_ }

Martin: -and we need to land, I don’t have time for you to criticise me right now.

Douglas: Ah, but I do. I believe we haven’t been properly introduced.

Martin: Douglas! We need to have affirmation on the runway so we can land as soon as possible, this is not the time for you to be... well, you!

Douglas: He gave you affirmation, if I remember correctly -- which I can assure you, I do.

Martin: But not a  _proper_  one, technically he needs to come in with-

{Douglas, then. Howard Coorson, met Martin during training. Seems he’s not changed much, shame. I do hope his flying’s improved since then or I may have to resign.}

Douglas: Difficult to say, though I would venture to say he’s nearing the top of our humble ranks.

{…Is it quite a small airline, then?}

Martin: I am a captain of an aircraft, but if this  _chat_  goes on much longer I won’t be because we will be hurling into the ground due to fuel tanks reaching critical levels, so if you would please just send the proper receipt we can go our separate ways.

{Alpha Quebec Echo to Golf Tango India, message received and ignored.}

Martin: What? Just a minute ago you said I could ‘go on then’ why are you ignoring it?

{You can fly for nearly two -hundred miles on critical fuel you’ll be fine until another runway opens up.}

Douglas: I’d say that ‘I  _hate_  to say I told you so,’ but we both know that is a terrible lie.

Martin: If we land with fuel levels under the regulated minimum diversion we could be fined thousands or pounds and Carolyn already said she’d be taking any unnecessary fees for this trip out of  _my_  paycheck after what happened in Guadalajara and you know I can’t exactly  _afford that._

Douglas: Yes... but there is a solution. You see Martin, when someone asks you a question, and your answer is going to get you in trouble, and you _know_  they won’t check to see if you’re right, there are various methods of avoiding said trouble.

Martin: You can’t just lie about that. They only give you the fuel you say you need and at that rate we’ll never have a full tank again because they’ll have it on their records that we’ve got more than we really do and when it comes time for inspection we’re locked in anyway!

{As fun as this is, I’ve got to get my line through to the tower for landing. Cheers. And Douglas – I am so, so, sorry.}

Douglas: So am I.

Arthur: Evening chaps, I found an extra cheese tray in the cupboard under the microwave. I picked all the mouldy bits out and… one of them’s gone a bit stinky…. But I offered them to Mum and she said you deserve them for a job well done! So, er, Congratulations!

Martin: Golf Tango India to Alpha Quebec Echo, do you copy? Alpha Quebec Echo requesting landing priority…. Perfect. Douglas, this is your fault for... encouraging him. And now we’re stuck in the air below regulation fuel levels and your proposition is ‘lie about it.’

Arthur: Don’t worry, Skip, Douglas has lied to you about fuel levels loads of times. The squidgy cheese still looks alright if you peel off the outer layer.

Martin: What?

Arthur: Yeah! It’s not that hard, just stick your fingernail in it like this and the slimy bit mostly comes off.

Martin: Douglas, you lied about the fuel levels? When? Why? Do you realise how much trouble we could have been in?

Douglas: But we weren’t.

Arthur: It’s got a bit of an aftertaste. Is it always so… vomit-y tasting?

Martin:  But our fuel levels could have been  _way_  below what I expected and if the gauge-

Douglas: Martin, how often do you think the refueling stations actually cheat us?

Martin: What?

Arthur: Never mind, the squidgy one’s not  _quite_  as okay as I thought.

Martin: You just tell people they cheated us so we can get the extra fuel you lied about at the last station?

Douglas: Actually, you do. They’d suspect it if it was me, but I think everyone can appreciate why one might want to cheat you out of a few gallons of fuel.

Arthur: Oh… Oh… I’ll be back in a minute Skip... Congratulations again!

Martin: Take the stupid cheese tray with you.

Arthur: No thanks, I’d rather not. Excuse me, Mum!

Carolyn: Why aren’t we descending? I paid twenty four-hour parking and it expires in twenty-two minutes, I need you to land this plane right now or my ticket’s going to be coming from both of your paychecks!

Martin: I don’t even  _have_  a paycheck.

Carolyn: Has your ‘Man with a Van’ Van gone off a bridge?

Martin: No, but-

Carolyn: Then you’ve got a paycheck. I’m not not-paying you to keep us in the air indefinitely, now get us on the ground!

Martin: I can’t!

Carolyn: You can’t? My God Martin, Douglas really has gotten to you this time.

Douglas: As much as I regret to say it, this time it wasn’t me.

Carolyn: Well then who? If it was the Cabin boy throwing up old cheese in the lavatory-

Martin: It wasn’t Arthur. It wasn’t anybody, well… It was Gerti.

Douglas: Don’t blame the aeroplane, you should really give Howard _some_  credit.

Carolyn: Howard?

Douglas: An old friend.

Martin: It wasn’t Howard, it was  _radio control._

Carolyn: I thought you were blaming Gerti? If it’s radio control can’t we just lie and tell them we’re low on fuel?

Martin: We  _are_  low on fuel!

Carolyn: Then you shouldn’t need me to scold you about my upcoming parking ticket to get you to land her!

Martin: They haven’t got a runway open and I called the radio control tower to ask if we could have priority because we’re nearing minimum limit, but when I connected with  _Howard_  flying the other plane, he and Douglas wound me up instead and he denied my request. So  _now_ , we’re stuck in the air and stuck lying about fuel levels and… What’s that sound?

Carolyn: Oh God -- Arthur. Douglas, sort this out, I have my  _actual_ child to tend to.

Martin: Why does she always put you in charge?

Douglas: Oh, Martin, do we have to do this every time?

Martin: If you hadn’t started meddling we’d be halfway through arrival procedure by now and Arthur wouldn’t be doing God knows what in the lavatory and you wouldn’t have to be paying for Carolyn’s parking ticket.

Douglas: I think we’re both paying for that.

Martin: No, you are because this one is your fault and I’m not pulling money out of my other job because you’re unable to be a normal first officer.

Douglas: And what  _is_  a ‘normal’ first officer, exactly?

Arthur: Skip?

Martin: Oh my God, what happened?

Arthur: Sorry, er… Skip, Mum wants me to tell you that I’m an idiot, but for once it worked out for the best.

Martin: You’re soaking wet and covered in bubbles! How could this possibly be for the best?

Arthur: Well, I was feeling a bit sick, what with the slimy squidgy cheese being all, well… slimy. You saw what it was like, the bits I scraped off, well, tried to scrape off I guess I didn’t or else I wouldn’t be feeling quite so sick and-

Martin: Arthur…

Arthur: Right, sorry! Well, I don’t have very good aim and I guess I missed a bit, well, I don’t ‘guess’ I missed a bit, I know I did. And I was going to clean it up and so I wiped it and all and then pushed on the soap a bunch and let it on the floor because Mum always said wiping it’s not enough and I, well, it got a bit slippy and-

Martin: You fell.

Arthur:… Yeah.

Douglas: The day is saved.

Arthur: Wait, I didn’t even get to that part yet!

Douglas: Go on then, the anticipation is killing me.

Arthur: When I fell, I waved my arms around a bit to try to catch myself-

Martin: Oh God…

Arthur: -and I caught the bit on the sink where you push to make the water come out-

Douglas: Ah. I see.

Arthur: - and I guess I pulled a bit too hard and it made this fountain and then everything started to get  _really_  wet. It was brilliant.

Martin: That’s it? You’re done?

Arthur: Yep! Except the bit where Mum came in and told me to tell you I’m an idiot but I’ve made it work out for the best, so I came in here and told you chaps and-

Douglas: Yes, thank you Arthur, I can take it from here.

Arthur: Brilliant! Have I saved the day then?

Douglas: Yes, you outdo yourself. Take the rest of this tray and put it in the bin and make sure Carolyn is prepared for arrival.

Arthur: Right, thanks Douglas!

Martin: Alright, how exactly has Arthur breaking yet another piece of our aeroplane helping us land faster?

Douglas: Unknown leakage? Isn’t that in your pilot’s manual as a reason for required emergency landing, because I’m pretty sure mysterious standing water in out lavatory  _is_  in fact an emergency.

Martin: But it’s not unknown, Arthur just pulled off the faucet because he ate bad cheese- Oh

Douglas: Remember that lying thing we talked about?

Martin: … Glasgow Tower Control, this is Golf Tango India requesting immediate landing due to unknown leakage in the passenger cabin.

{Control Tower to Golf Tango India, please make your way to A7 as soon as possible.}


End file.
